fast500#12 Posted January 31, 2007 Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 (edited) did you hear micheal jackson died from food poisoning. he ate some 12 year old nuts. micheal jackson was spoted in kmart the other day. he heard boys pants were half off. an old couple that has been married for 50 years are sitting at breakfast. the woman looks and the man and says " harold, my nippels are as hot for you as the day we met." the man looks at his wife and says " no shit woman one is in your oat meal and the other one is in your coffee." Edited January 31, 2007 by fast500#12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Duece Posted January 31, 2007 Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 (edited) three guys sitting on the first tee, waiting for the fourth guy to show up, the first guy starts to comment on his son, "my son is awsome he started out a file clerk at a brokerage firm and now he's doing so well he was able to buy a friend a stock portfolio" the next guy proclaims "my son started out a lot boy and now owns 5 dealerships and was able to buy a firend a new car" the third guy says "my son started out passing out flyers for a real estate company and now is a broker and was able to buy a friend a house" the fourth guy shows up looking down and his buddies ask "whats the matter" he says "well its my son, hes a goddamm bum, he's a hair dresser, and i just recently found out he's gay, but he must be doing something right cause one of his boyfriends just gave him a house, the other one a car and the third a stock portfollio....... Edited January 31, 2007 by Blue Duece Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animalman294 Posted January 31, 2007 Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 Oh, classic................... :yelrotflmao: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endofitall9 Posted February 2, 2007 Report Share Posted February 2, 2007 A Walking salesman was walking around town doorstep to doorstep, soon he had been to every house in town so he asked someone if they knew of anywhere he could try to sell some stuff? Soon he got word of the Smiths which lived way up on a hill secluded from everyone. He makes the long walk up the hill and way back in the woods, Finally he's at the doorstep and starts knocking. Noone answers...He knocks again, still noone answers but he can hear them talking inside. the salesman walks over to the window and sees a naked woman laying on the bed playing with her nipples and pointing at something so he looks to see what she is pointing at, to see a guy standing with an umbrella beating his meat at pointing back at her. the guy is like scared so he runs down the hill and goes to a gas station. The clerk asks the salesman, What's wrong? the salesman said "I was just up on the hill and those are some wierd people"! The clerk said "Why what were they doing?" The Salesman said "Well, the girl was laying naked on the bed playing with her nipples and pointing and then there was a guy standing in front of her naked holding an umbrella and beating off and pointing back at her!" The clerk looks at the salesman and said "Did you knock?" the salesman says "yes!" I looked through the window and saw this! the clerk then said Don't worry that was the Smiths they're def... she was telling him to go milk the cows and he was saying fuck you its raining outside! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animalman294 Posted February 2, 2007 Report Share Posted February 2, 2007 :yelrotflmao: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yamahauler Posted February 3, 2007 Report Share Posted February 3, 2007 :yelrotflmao: the skunk one was frikken hilarious :yelrotflmao: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animalman294 Posted February 3, 2007 Report Share Posted February 3, 2007 THERE'S SOMETHING HERE TO OFFEND EVERYONE! ENJOY, What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Because he heard everyone there has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different Bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong". What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.... Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one is tall enough to go on the good rides Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ba7raini Posted February 3, 2007 Report Share Posted February 3, 2007 lmao keep them coming :yelrotflmao: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mullet Man Posted February 6, 2007 Report Share Posted February 6, 2007 An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a Playboy magazine. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toybreaker Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 What did one Lesbian frog say to the other? You taste like chicken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toybreaker Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 1. Cows 2. The Constitution and 3. The Ten Commandments Cows - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. The Constitution - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore. The Ten Commandments - The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MYquadsFaster Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 if u had sex for 365 days in a row, and took took all the condoms and melted them down to make a tire, what would you call it.... a fuckin goodyear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mullet Man Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 :yucky: This guy is at an airport and needs to use the restroom before his flight leaves. He goes to the nearest men's bathroom and walks in to find it empty except one lone man with, sadly enough, no arms. The man goes to the urinal one away from him, because everyone knows there must be a one urinal gap, and as he is taking care of his business he looks over to find that the man with no arms is just standing there, obviously not able to unzip his pants. Once the man is done, the zips up and washes his hands. As he is leaving he looks back at the armless man and feels sorry for the guy who has surely been holding it in for a while now. He walks over the the guy and asks if he needs any assistance. The armless guy looks over relieved and says, "Aw man, thanks so much, I've been waiting here for so long. Could you possibly just unzip my pants?" The guy agrees and unzips the guys pants and realizes he probably has to take the armless guy's penis out. So as to not make it awkward he just does it without asking. He finds to his utter horror that the man's penis is green, pimply, oozing with puss and covered in rashes and sores. Disgusted, he waits for the man to finish and shoves the guys c0ck back in. Before leaving the man turns to the armless guy and asks, "Hey, I'm sorry to be forward...but what the f*ck is wrong with your d!ck man?" The armless guy looks over as he takes his arms out of his shirt and replies, "I don't know, but I sure as f*ck don't want to touch it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hilarious Posted February 10, 2007 Report Share Posted February 10, 2007 The teacher asked her class, "what vegetable makes you cry?" To which little johnny replyed, " a turnip." The teacher said, " no, the answer I was looking for was an onion." Johnny said, " no. A turnip. Have you ever been hit in the balls with a turnip?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pipebomb Posted February 11, 2007 Report Share Posted February 11, 2007 One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father`s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." It's a New York thing. :biggrin: :biggrin: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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