Couple of jokes

[ledofthezep]

LMAO...well navy00, don't ask him to show you any magic tricks I guess.

[banshee76179]

A Girls First Time As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

 

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

 

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

 

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

 

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

 

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

 

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

 

------------------------------------------------

 

Senior sex

 

As my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day so we could travel together.

 

After my examination, the doctor said: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

 

"In fact, I do," I said. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

 

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

 

After examining my wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

 

She replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time: "Do you know why?"

 

"Oh that old git!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

[banshee76179]

Dwarf sex

 

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

 

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

 

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

 

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

 

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"

[05bansh]

Life is all about ass:

-your either covering it.

-laughing it off.

-kicking it.

-busting it.

-trying to get a piece of it.

-behaving like one.

-or you live with one!

[jinx44]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,

[jinx44]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

 

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he is close to his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

 

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

 

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

 

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

 

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

 

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

 

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

 

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

 

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

 

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

 

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

 

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says..

"I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

 

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

 

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[jinx44]

Three Drunk Women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early

morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the

night before.

The first girl claimed that she was the drunkest, saying "I drove

straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the

door I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell I got into my car and

wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have

insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home,

I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and

burned the whole house down!"

 

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again,

"Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

[jinx44]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

[jinx44]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and

we'd decided to get married.

 

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my

girlfriend was a dream!

 

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one

thing was my fiance's younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend

down near me and I enjoyed many pleasant views of her underwear. It

had to be deliberate... I didn't notice her doing this near anyone else.

 

One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the

wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that

soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she

could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me - just before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

 

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go

ahead with it just come up and get me."

 

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the

stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went

straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and began

walking directly toward my car.

 

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes,

he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

 

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"

 

So, the moral of the story is...

 

 

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[pro line]

A man has been drinking at the bar all night. Around 2am the barteder tells the man he has to go. So the man gets up from his bar stool and BLAM! He falls on his face. He thinks to himself, man I am messed up, I'll just crawl to the door and get up. He gets to the door and pulls himself up and BLAM, falls again. I don't think I have ever been this drunk, I'll just crawl to my car and drive home. When he gets tot he door BLAM falls again. Well I'm too drunk to drive so I'll just crawl home so I can get some sleep. The man crawls all the way home and when he gets to his front door he tries to get up and falls again. Man I'm just going to crawl upstairs and sleep this off.

 

The next morning his wife starts screeming at him, "get up you worthless bag of s@#$, you where out drinking at the bar last night weren't you?" The man replies "how did you know?" His wife replies "because the bar called and sayed you left your wheelchair at the bar again".

[jinx44]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes

it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself,

"I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches,

he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I

want is a drink."

 

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you

until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for

instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and

that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers,

because it really 'Satisfies'."

 

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him

he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy

asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a

beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks

back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy

asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it

takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

 

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his

right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and

says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man

turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality

is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford

lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY,

'Like A Rock'." and gives a wink.

 

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment

before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is

'SECRET'. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a

beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"

 

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR

A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes

it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself,

"I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches,

he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I

want is a drink."

 

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you

until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for

instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and

that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers,

because it really 'Satisfies'."

 

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him

he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy

asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a

beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks

back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy

asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it

takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

 

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his

right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and

says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man

turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality

is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford

lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY,

'Like A Rock'." and gives a wink.

 

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment

before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is

'SECRET'. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a

beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"

 

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR

A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

[banshee76179]

How they make them hot!

 

 

 

There are three guys, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Texan. They are all discussing what they do to get their women hot.

 

The Italian says, "First I light a candle and drip hot liquid wax all over her body, then I follow with a tender nibbling at each spot of wax until they're all gone. Then she's hot!"

 

When the Frenchman was queried he replies, "First I take a bouquet of roses and I pull all the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I go all over her blowing them off, one at a time. When I'm through, she's really hot!"

 

The previous two gents now ask the Texan what he did to get his woman hot. He replied, "Well I don't do anything that exotic! What I do is, I pick her up and throw her on the bed, grab her by the ankles and fu@& the shit out of her. When I'm done, I wipe my d!@k on her new curtains. Man, does she get hot!"

[The Rebel]

good jokes HQers

 

Hey, know how to tell if you sperm count is up?

 

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.