RNBRAD Posted February 1, 2005 Report Share Posted February 1, 2005 Man I gotta take these to work. Bear one was hilarious too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketboy Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 how can you tell if you roomates gay? if his dick tastes like shit! i know thats really sick dont blame Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilgf Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 "To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight." When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table: "My dear husband, I received your fax, and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilgf Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?" The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banshee76179 Posted February 2, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilgf Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilgf Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 There three honeymoon couples staying in a hotel in Barbados. The first night of the honeymoon, the three new husbands are gathered in the bar, swapping wedding stories and stag night tales when the talk turns to the age old question - does one actually have sex on the first night of one's honeymoon? After some discussion, they reach the agreement that, yes, it was almost obligatory but that still leaves another question - how many times? In order to find out the three husbands agree that if they have sex that night, in the morning they'll order the full English Breakfast to signify without alerting the wives to what's going on. Any more than once, they'll proclaim with extra toast. And then they finish their drinks and retire. The next morning, the first husband to the breakfast table smiles at the others' tardiness, happily order the full breakfast and two extra slices of toast. The second husband arrives, his new bride is also sleeping in. He looks at the first's plate and toast, smiles, and orders the full breakfast and four extra slices of toast The third guy arrives looking dishevelled and exhausted. He grins at the others, and calls for the waiter. "I'd like the full breakfast, please. And seven extra slices of toast." As the others look impressed, he calls to the waiter once more. "And waiter? Could you make three of those slices brown?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilgf Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 Billy Joe and Mary Sue newly joined in holy matrimony are spending their wedding night at Motel 6 honeymoon Suite in Wheeling, West Virginia. They have abstained from the dirty deed until this very night. Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him: "Wait Billy Joe, I just thought you should know....this ain't just our first time....this here is my first time ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you" "What you sayin' Mary Sue" replies Billy Joe "I said I am a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night" "You're a VIRGIN?" "That's right, please be gentle." "Gentle! Gentle my ass, I'm outta here!" With that Billy Joe pulls up his pants and leaves his virgin bride lying alone and naked. He slams the motel door and jumps in his pick-up and drives back home. "Pa! Pa! Wake up! You're not gonna believe this!" "Huh? Billy Joe, what the hell you doin' here? It's 3am on your Wedding night! Why the hell ain't you and that pretty new wife of yours on haystack somewhere, f***ing like rabbits?" "Pa, I was all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that's she's a virgin!" "A VIRGIN?!" "That's right Pa. One hundred percent cherry. As soon as she told me I gut the hell outta there as fast as I could" "Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing.....cos if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sho' ain't good enough for ours!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilgf Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a caf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rockgc9 Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 Man all of these are hilarious. Nice jokes peeps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DUNEDEMON Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to Bessie, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Ray storms in the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time. "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilgf Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ledofthezep Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dune_girl Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 THATS SICK LED!!! BUT...these jokes are hilarious Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
navy00banshee Posted February 3, 2005 Report Share Posted February 3, 2005 damn led, i still sit on my grandpa lap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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