sandbuzzard Posted May 9, 2004 Report Share Posted May 9, 2004 This is a long post but when i read it, I was like hay, that is something i would find on the HQ. So i had to share... Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world! Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your balls, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the Culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. " THE CODE: A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE. A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.) A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he' 30 years old. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title. A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV. A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it. A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up". Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Chevy truck. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face. A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils. A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land. Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both. A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country. A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bansheefreak Posted May 9, 2004 Report Share Posted May 9, 2004 A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT ! amen brother Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PolyKarbon Posted May 9, 2004 Report Share Posted May 9, 2004 A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country. Damn right, I hate Lt's. Also add, a Retrosexual man does not, under any circumstance, drink a "Zima", "sex on the beach", or a "Fuzzy Navel". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evil Posted May 9, 2004 Report Share Posted May 9, 2004 "zima" do they even make that crap anymore ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NYUK Posted May 9, 2004 Report Share Posted May 9, 2004 RIGHT FUCKING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SANDBUZZARD YOU ARE THE MAN! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebelbanshee2 Posted May 9, 2004 Report Share Posted May 9, 2004 right on man!! what is up with all these sensitive puss nutted whiney dudes now days? it really pisses me off. Men are trying to be more like women and women are trying to be more like men..what the heck? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nasty01banshee Posted May 9, 2004 Report Share Posted May 9, 2004 true dat, it seems the like the world is blending into an A-sexual cloning project, TV, magazines, movies, it's all a bunch of flamers anymore. i don't even watch network tv anymore cuz most shows are politically correct queer geared. sound off like you got a pair !!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducman Posted May 9, 2004 Report Share Posted May 9, 2004 Hell Ya Raaaagh Raaaagh Raaaagh (tooltime male grunt) Should add, Retrosexual man can rebuild a carburator, change his own oil, fanbelts, sparkplugs, and kickstart a mororcycle. Yeaaaah! I don't givashit if you want to be gay or whatever floats your boat, but dont be a pansy candy ass flamejob and try to get other straight guys to be all touchy feely and fung shwayed. My shit may be all funged up and I dont giva damb! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CoopBanshee Posted May 10, 2004 Report Share Posted May 10, 2004 Amen Brother, I am a fat - hairy and obnoxious, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I keep it pimpin like an old man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikikazz Posted May 10, 2004 Report Share Posted May 10, 2004 beautiful... (crying) j/k great post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gargamel Posted May 10, 2004 Report Share Posted May 10, 2004 true all that add: A Retrosexual man doesn't need electric start, reverse, or slow ass 4 strokers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cotton eyed Joe Posted May 10, 2004 Report Share Posted May 10, 2004 true all that add: A Retrosexual man doesn't need electric start, reverse, or slow ass 4 strokers LMFAO AMEN!!! A Retrosexual man don't need no stinking loading ramps either. You grab that shit, hike it up on the tail gate, grab the rear tire, lift that bitch in. He also likes the smell of axle grease, old used up axle grease, gasoline, premix, exhaust fumes especially those made by race gas, and decorates his christmas tree with Craftsman sockets and NGK spark plugs. He knows how to fix a barbeque when it won't light, and he can clean it with a hammer and a common screw driver because he don't need no god damn Soft Scrub and a sponge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
txblueshee Posted May 10, 2004 Report Share Posted May 10, 2004 true all that add: A Retrosexual man doesn't need electric start, reverse, or slow ass 4 strokers LMFAO AMEN!!! A Retrosexual man don't need no stinking loading ramps either. You grab that shit, hike it up on the tail gate, grab the rear tire, lift that bitch in. He also likes the smell of axle grease, old used up axle grease, gasoline, premix, exhaust fumes especially those made by race gas, and decorates his christmas tree with Craftsman sockets and NGK spark plugs. He knows how to fix a barbeque when it won't light, and he can clean it with a hammer and a common screw driver because he don't need no god damn Soft Scrub and a sponge. Is that octane 93 youre wearin???? Retrosexual men drink beer.....BEER AND WHISKEY. We like to get loud, and make shit go fast... even better if it's fast AND loud . September through January sunday becomes the national day of "leave me the f*ck alone the games on".... the rest of the year it's reserved for recooping and fixing shit that you tore up on friday and saturday night. Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Rebel Posted May 10, 2004 Report Share Posted May 10, 2004 Exactly... Except for the loadin' ramp shit CEJ, I'm using my sack for better things... Retrosexual Man...aka The Rebel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokeStonedBiker Posted May 10, 2004 Report Share Posted May 10, 2004 Damn right, I hate Lt's. Also add, a Retrosexual man does not, under any circumstance, drink a "Zima", "sex on the beach", or a "Fuzzy Navel". if your underage and its the only thnk to take from the fridge to get drunk, i think would be an exception wouldnt it? are we talkin about men or hairy animals that look identical to men? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.