Got A Joke, Let's Hear It.

[banshee04le]

Here's one. Be warned that your time invested reading it will

be greater than the pay off of the punchline.

So this guy...he's a writer and he escapes to this secluded cabin so

that he can concentrate on his work. He is there about a month and

hasn't seen anybody. This particular morning a truck rolls up the beaten

path and a BIG ole' greasy local boy gets out and itroduces himself nice enough.

He says he's his nearest neighbor and lives down the road a few clicks'

After they talk a while, the visitor says...by the way, I'm having a little

party tonight, why don't you stop on by. The guy says... that sounds pretty

good. The visitor says...I guess I should warn you, there might be some

drinking at this party. The guy says...that's ok, I could use a drink.

The local guy says...well some times there's fighting at these partys, with the

drinking and all. The guy says...oooh I get along with everyone, thats ok.

The local guy says...there's probably gonna be some sex involved too. The guy

says...sounds good!!!! What should I wear??? The local guy says...

Ohhhh it don't really matter...it's just gonna be you and me.

[BansheeJerry]

C'mon... LOL I got one...

 

 

What do you call a vegetarian with diarea? A salad shooter..

[bluestreak01]

Alright i got one for youns what do you get when you cross an indian and a queer? A BRAVE LITTLE COCK SUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!

[locogato11283]

haaaaaaaaaaa. u guys got good jokes. i havent heard any of those before.

[bbluebanshee]

this is one of my favorites

 

a little long though:

 

a koala is walking down the street, and a prostitute comes up to him and asks him if he wants some sexual favors. the koala thinks this is cool so he agrees. they head to a mutual love shack and do thier business. the koala gets up and heads for the door, wait the prostitute says, im a prostitute.. do you know what that is? the koala says no, and the prostitute hands him a dictionary. he reads: prostitute..someone who does sexual favors for money. the koala thinks this is all fine and hands the dictionary back to the prostitute and says..look up koala. she flips through the pages and reads.. koala, furry little animal that eats bush and...leaves!

[banshee370]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at

work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet

with the little boy.

 

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball."

Man- "That's nice."

Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man- "No, thanks."

Boy- "My dad's outside."

Man- "OK, how much?"

Boy- "$250."

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's

lover are in the closet together.

 

Boy- "Dark in here."

Man- "Yes, it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy- "$750."

Man- "Fine."

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's

go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to

church and make you confess."

 

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

confession booth and he closes the door.

 

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[banshee370]

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her

class one Sunday morning and she asked the question,

"When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your

hands.

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie

replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands

together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a

wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I

think it's your legs".

The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her

face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the

other

night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O

God,

I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd

have lost her."

 

The Nun fainted ...

[banshee370]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her, so she immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

 

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said , "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

 

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[lian]

oh shit those were funny there all pretty good

[ledofthezep]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone...

 

A little black boy goes into the kitchen with his mother, gets into the flour & puts it all over his arms & face. Then he turns to his mom & says "Look mom! I'm a little white boy!" The mom looks at him, slaps him across the back of the head & says "Go show your father"...so he does.

 

Walks into the living room & goes up to his dad, "Look dad, I'm a little white boy!" The dad looks at him, slaps him on the ass & says, "Go show your Grandma." So he does...

 

Walks into the room where his grandma was & says "Look grandma, I'm a little white boy!" She too looks at him, slaps his ass & says, "Go back to the kitchen & clean that shit off now!"

 

The little boy is pissed by now, kicking around & pouting as he walks back into the kitchen. The mother looks at him & says, "I sure hope you learned something from this." and the little boy replys, "I sure did,...I've only been a white boy for 5 minutes and I hate you *****s!"

 

[kotin6]

this is the funniest clean joke i have ever fucking heard. here goes....

 

A bus full of ugly people falls off a cliff and they all go to heaven. When the get to the gates they are greated by god himself. He tells them to form a line and face him. He tells them that since their life was so bad from being ugly that he will grant them all one wish befor entering heaven. So he ask the first lady what she wises for.."I want to be beautifull for the afterlife" poof god made her beautifull. He goes to the man next to her and ask what do you with for. He says " I want to be handsom." poof hes handsome. God hears the man on the end snicker a bit. He getts about half way down the line and evryone is wishing to be handsome or beautifull and hears the man on the end full on laughing now. He continues down the line. By the time he gets to the last man he ask "What do you wish for" the man catches his breath and replys. "MAKE THEM ALL UGLY AGAIN"

[BenBB]

Moving to Vegas:

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

[BenBB]

The Manly Man Test:

01. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking.

b ) Screwing.

c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

 

02. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've shared:

a) You views about what you expect from the relationship.

b ) Your blood test results.

c) Five tequila slammers.

 

03. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first.

b ) You both climax simultaneously.

c) You don't miss Sportcenter.

 

04. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healty, creative love-play.

b ) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to.

c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

 

05. Spending the night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience.

b ) The second best part of the experience.

c) $100 extra.

 

06. Your wife/girlfriend tells you she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours.

b ) Not a problem, she can join your gym.

c) A conservative estimate.

 

07. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth.

b ) An oxymoron.

c) A moron.

 

08. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree.

b ) Primer is to paint.

c) A line is to an amusement park ride.

 

09. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."

b ) "I'm not in right now, leave a message at the beep."

c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU."

 

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

b ) Is uptight and a waste of time.

c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

SCORING: No points for each "a", 1 point for each "b", and two points for each "c".

 

0-7 Points: Check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

8-14 Points: Check into therapy, you're a little confused.

15+ Points: You DA MAN!

[BenBB]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[tithead]

did you here about the irish man that farted in the swimming pool? he drowned trying to smell it!

 

two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how do we drinve this thing?" ............(sad, i no)

 

whats got 2 legs and bleeds like f*ck????............half a cat

 

what doesw a woman and a prawn have in common?...........bother there heads are full of shit and the pink bits taste nice

 

 

hope you like