fastbanshee8 Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 TEXAS CHILI TASTING > If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope >for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this >slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of >the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in >Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off >about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a >parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced >Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. > > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili >cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I >happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions >to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the >other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that >spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the >tasting, so I accepted". > > > Here are the scorecard notes from the event: > > >CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. > >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. > >Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could >remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the >flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > > > CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. > >Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken >seriously. > >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what >I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who >wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer >when they saw the look on my face. > > > > CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. > >Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. > >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels >like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get >me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my >backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from >all of the beer. > > > > CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... > >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or >other mild foods, not much of a chili. > >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable >to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, >was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting >to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an >aphrodisiac? > > > > CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... > >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding >considerable kick. Very impressive. > >Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must >admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I >can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed >paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her >chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by >pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my >lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop >screaming. Screw those rednecks. > > > > CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... > >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of >spices and peppers. > >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and >garlic. Superb. > >Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except >that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a >snow cone. > > > > CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of >chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried >about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing >uncontrollably. > >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I >wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds >like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which >slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my >shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've >decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting >any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the >4-inch hole in my stomach. > > > > CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too >bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. > >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild >nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, >passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. >Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have >reacted to really hot chili? > >Judge # 3 - No Report 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNTBANSHEE Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 LMAO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BbJ Posted October 17, 2011 Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevybanshee91 Posted December 27, 2011 Report Share Posted December 27, 2011 Hahah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jsn210 Posted December 27, 2011 Report Share Posted December 27, 2011 Funny shit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bansheeinoz Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) hilarious, reminds of the time i ate a habenero chilli thinking it was a capsicum. Edited December 29, 2011 by bansheeinoz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BUILDER Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 That is funny as hell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asphalt2dirt Posted March 8, 2013 Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 Funny shit there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nightmare Posted March 9, 2013 Report Share Posted March 9, 2013 I needed a good laugh and that was it:lol: Sent from my SGH-T679 using Tapatalk 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
87sheerips Posted March 10, 2013 Report Share Posted March 10, 2013 lol awesome Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vulvafan537240 Posted March 10, 2013 Report Share Posted March 10, 2013 Bahahahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
421alkybanshee Posted March 10, 2013 Report Share Posted March 10, 2013 That was good! Lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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