hahahahahaha
they are supposed to be for my niece, she's almost 8. she does the same thing you do. i remember, she had a juice box, left it on my desk, so i stuck the straw in it for her...she comes back two minutes later.."hey whos is this?"...*grabs juice box, squirting the contents all over a buncha paperwork i had on my desk*..."opps.......hey did you need these papers?" hahahahah i was like, no hun its ok.
i try and be veeery careful, gotta be gentle man!! but a big huge guy like you...id expect you to just grab it sideways, bite into it and suck it down.